I’m pretty sure some vicious little midget

So here’s my dilemma- I’m the father of two children under the age of four, and I’m a bazillion years old and a crippled up mess. I know that the only chance I have to be a functional dad is to start a new life plan. Now. Immediately. I do all of the cooking in our house, so I decided to cut pork and beef out of our diet. Not in a fanatic way. If some bacon finds its way home occasionally, I’m not going to lose my mind, but as a general rule I’m going to try to stick to things with fins or feathers as our meat sources, and increase our veggie intake. My family just plops down and eats whatever I put in front of them, so resistance is futile. I’ve started slipping some spinach into the morning fruit/protein shake I make for my lovely wife every day. I even bought a raw foods diet book. Not to follow completely, but just for some healthier alternates to compliment the turkey breast I cooked for 10 hours in Sweet Baby Ray’s award winning bbq sauce in the crock pot. I’m happy with the start, but I know that I need to do more. I can’t get up every morning and spend the first 2 hours of the day huddled in my recliner with my big headed dog sprawled across my lap, slurping down half a pot of coffee, and expect to hop up when the rest of the house wakes up and be all perky and cheery. I need to deal with this old creaky body too. I used to go to the gym in the morning, but that’s out till the chillin’s get a bit older and are able to fend for themselves, so I need an at-home option. I decided to try some yoga. Maybe if I spend an hour each morning trying to learn how to put my feet behind my head while chanting “OH WA TA FOO LIAM” I won’t be so cranky and sore all the time. So I bought a couple of beginner yoga dvds from Amazon. They came yesterday. I went to bed early last night intending make today my new beginning. Friday Feb. 11, 2011. Mark it down on the calendar. That is day 1 of the new and improved Jeff 2.0. I will no longer be a helpless victim to my broken down arthritic body. I’m taking this ship back. I went to sleep with a plan. A new direction.
Then I woke up. I’m pretty sure some vicious little midget biker gang snuck in last night, slipped me a roofie, and then beat me with their tiny little mini tire irons. My back hurt. My hips hurt. I think one of my shoulders broke and then healed overnight. There was a new mystery pain in my ankle. Even my eyeballs were sore.
So let’s mark Feb 11, 2011 as the day that I watched one of the yoga dvds as I sat huddled in my recliner slurping a half a pot of coffee with my big brown buffoon of a dog sprawled across my lap.